My Followers: A Definitive Guide

In an effort to get to know more about you, we commissioned a dedicated demographics analysis report in order to find out what kind of person follows me. While the document itself is far too expansive to print in its entirety, it has thrown up some invaluable information about the average @AlsBoy follower.*  

RESIDENCE: 

Non-follower 2-bedroomed semi-detached house. 

Follower        Unspecified secure facility with lots of room to run and run and run.

EDUCATION:

Non-follower Master’s degree.

Follower        No, owing to unfortunate ‘incident’ with PE teacher at school disco.

MARITAL STATUS:

Non-follower Married.

Follower        Single but has a thing about your wife. 

CHILDREN:

Non-follower Three. 

Follower        None, but does enjoy spending the day at the Early Learning Centre. 

HOBBIES:

Non-follower Listening to music, watching movies, socializing with friends.

Follower        Downloading music illegally, uploading pirated movies to Torrent sites, telling Facebook friends about music they’ve downloaded illegally and pirated movies they’ve uploaded to Torrent sites. 

EMPLOYMENT STATUS:

Non-follower Broadcasting and mobile communication.

Follower        Plans to make a packet scalping tickets for that Stone Roses gig. 

PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENTS:

Non-follower Great career, personal happiness and financial security. 

Follower        Numerous swimming certificates, was invited to participate in an online Nigerian money-laundering scam. 

LAST MAJOR PURCHASE:

Non-follower           A two-week holiday in Cyprus. 

Follower                   Something easily wipeable.  

TRANSPORT:

Non-follower           Audi TT. 

Follower                  Audi TT (stolen, awaiting number plate replacement)

POLITICAL AFFILIATION:

Non-follower           Last voted Labour. 

Follower                  Last voted for someone to do a Bush Tucker Trial. 

TELEVISION VIEWING HABITS:

Non-follower          Hates X Factor.

Follower                 Hates X Factor but tweets about it and during it relentlessly. 

ATTITUDE TOWARDS SEX AND VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION:

Non-follower         Disgusted by it and is actively involved in several campaigns to stamp it out. 

Follower                Sky +s it.

* The above is a joke and is in no way meant to be an accurate representation of any of my followers. * straight face *