IT'S NOT MY FAULT

I'm Ash Warner. I'm a writer/director/producer and magic person. This blog is designed to catch some of my brain's overspill.

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Permalink Well, as 2011 wobbles on, I thought I would say something that has been on my mind for a while now.  Your ears are so crooked it’s actually distracting.  Not really. You have lovely ears. NO, STOP TOUCHING THEM, THEY’RE FINE.  What I actually wanted to say was, simply, THANK YOU.  But for what? Well, it’s hard to say. Don’t force it, it’ll come to me.  As a comedy writer working on a vast number of things, Twitter has become as much a part of daily life as, for example, finding out you’re out of toilet rolls, or having Parcelforce forcibly bend a fragile parcel in half so it fits through your letterbox.  Sometimes, Twitter has helped me through some pesky creative blocks. Sometimes it’s educated me about world events and shone a light on just how much some people love their cats. Cat love is BIG on there.  In all, Twitter makes my heart lift, my spirits soar and sometimes, my stomach turn. I’m flattered and thrilled when you retweet me and feel like a failure when you don’t. You really need to get your act together.  Seriously though, mostly Twitter has provided me with a platform for my own particular brand of nonsense. I hope I hit more than I miss.  Most of it – maybe all of it – is of course ENTIRELY inconsequential, but if it puts a smile on your face, compels you to chuckle or tear your clothes off banging a saucepan with a spatula screaming “OH GOD THAT WAS TERRIFIC”, then that’s good enough for me.  I have somehow picked up more followers – who all appear to be genuinely nice people I would happily blow up an airbed for - than I deserve, so I’d like to thank you all for not only following but enjoying the stuff I come up with. I know you’re busy and have many follow choices, so this shows, in many ways, a loyalty and commitment on your part and I wanted to acknowledge it with a huge hug.  Now put your clothes back on and return the saucepan and spatula to their rightful place in the kitchen. With that done let’s get on with why you’re really here. A dog wearing a Santa hat.  Merry Christmas, Twitter.  All love, Ash x 
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My Followers: A Definitive Guide

In an effort to get to know more about you, we commissioned a dedicated demographics analysis report in order to find out what kind of person follows me. While the document itself is far too expansive to print in its entirety, it has thrown up some invaluable information about the average @AlsBoy follower.*  

RESIDENCE: 

Non-follower 2-bedroomed semi-detached house. 

Follower        Unspecified secure facility with lots of room to run and run and run.

EDUCATION:

Non-follower Master’s degree.

Follower        No, owing to unfortunate ‘incident’ with PE teacher at school disco.

MARITAL STATUS:

Non-follower Married.

Follower        Single but has a thing about your wife. 

CHILDREN:

Non-follower Three. 

Follower        None, but does enjoy spending the day at the Early Learning Centre. 

HOBBIES:

Non-follower Listening to music, watching movies, socializing with friends.

Follower        Downloading music illegally, uploading pirated movies to Torrent sites, telling Facebook friends about music they’ve downloaded illegally and pirated movies they’ve uploaded to Torrent sites. 

EMPLOYMENT STATUS:

Non-follower Broadcasting and mobile communication.

Follower        Plans to make a packet scalping tickets for that Stone Roses gig. 

PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENTS:

Non-follower Great career, personal happiness and financial security. 

Follower        Numerous swimming certificates, was invited to participate in an online Nigerian money-laundering scam. 

LAST MAJOR PURCHASE:

Non-follower           A two-week holiday in Cyprus. 

Follower                   Something easily wipeable.  

TRANSPORT:

Non-follower           Audi TT. 

Follower                  Audi TT (stolen, awaiting number plate replacement)

POLITICAL AFFILIATION:

Non-follower           Last voted Labour. 

Follower                  Last voted for someone to do a Bush Tucker Trial. 

TELEVISION VIEWING HABITS:

Non-follower          Hates X Factor.

Follower                 Hates X Factor but tweets about it and during it relentlessly. 

ATTITUDE TOWARDS SEX AND VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION:

Non-follower         Disgusted by it and is actively involved in several campaigns to stamp it out. 

Follower                Sky +s it.

* The above is a joke and is in no way meant to be an accurate representation of any of my followers. * straight face * 

Permalink Give a woman ten pounds and she has food for a day. Give a woman £100 and she has shoes. Give a woman £1000 and she’s off.  Hi. I’m Tamara Ecclestone. Many women you see on the streets don’t have trust funds to call their own. Not having trust funds is the biggest cause of poverty in this country, if not the other countries around this country. Of all the issues affecting women of all ages, not having a trust fund is way more serious than, say, equality in the workplace. I don’t get what the problem is there, although that may be because Daddy owns a good 98.6% of the company.  Hee hee.  But trust funds. Think: women without trust funds are unable to fly privately, be chauffeured around or spend long weekends partying in Monte Carlo. These are basic luxuries we should all have. Won’t you help by giving just £5, or maybe half a million, whatever you can spare. Send your donation to Tamara Ecclestone’s Trust Funds Campaign. With your help, we can make the world a more entitled place. Thank you. 
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Just so you know.

Because I like to blog and tweet things that are useful and informative as well as entertaining, here, for use if you ever need it (hopefully you won’t, but you just never know these days) is how to say “OH MY GOD! THERE’S AN AXE IN MY HEAD!” in a variety of languages. 

Bosnian: boje moj! sjekira mi je u glavi.

French: Mon dieu! Il y a une hache dans ma tete.

Swedish: Ah, Herregud! Jag har en yxa i huvudet!

Dutch: O, mijn God! Er zit een bijl in mijn hoofd.

Latin: Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est.

German: Oh mein Gott! Ich habe eine Axt im Kopf!

Japanese: ahh, kamisama! watashi no atama ni ono ga arimasu.

Norwegian: Herre Gud! Jeg har en aks i hodet!

Spanish: Dios mio! Hay una hacha en mi cabeza!

Hungarian: Jaj Istenem, de fejsze van a fejemben!

Romanian: Dumnezeule! Am un topor in cap!

Middle Egyptian: in Amun! iw minb m tp-i!

Greek: hristo mou! eho ena maheri sto kefali mou!

Tagalog: Ay Dios ko! May palakol sa ulo ko!

Danish: Oh min gud! Der er en oekse i mit hoved.

Afrikaans: O God! Daar’s ‘n byl in my kop!

Polish: O Moj Boze! Mam siekiere w glowie!

Maori: Ave Te Ariki! He toki ki roto taku mahuna!

Italian: Dio mio! C’e’ un’ ascia nella mia testa!

Portuguese: Meu Deus! Tenho um machado na cabeca!

Klingon: ghay’cha’! nachwIjDaq betleH tu’lu’!

Bengali: Oh Allah! Amar mathar upor bash poreche.

Finnish: Voi Luoja! Paassani on kirves!

Icelandic: Gud minn godur! Thad er o:xi i ho:fdinu a mer.

Ancient Greek: O Theos mou! Echo ten labrida en te mou kephale!

Babylonian: iliya pashu ina reshiya bashu

Assyrian: iliya pashum ina reshimi bashu

Welsh: A nuw! Mae bywell yn fy mhen i!

Alsatian: Lever Gott! Es esch a Axe en miner Kopf!

Swahili: Siyo! (Huko) Shoka yangu kichwanil!

Slovenian: Moj Bog! Sekiro imam v glavi.

Irish: Mo Dhia! Ta’ tua sa mo cheann.

Esperanto: Mia Dio! Hakilo estas en mia kapo!

Marathi: Aray Devaa! Majhyaa dokyaat kurhaad aahay.

Hindi: Hay Bhagwaan! Mere sar mein kulhaadi hain.

Russian: Bozhe moi! Eto topor v moyei golove!

Hebrew: Eloi! Yesh’li ca-sheel ba-rosh sheh-li!

Malayalam: Entey Deiwame, entey thalayil oru kodali undei.

Latvian: Ak Dievs! Man ir cirvis galva!

Permalink I loved this. Amazing archive photo of The Beatles, roughly five minutes before the iconic Abbey Road album cover shot was taken. 
Permalink If you like the Friday The 13th movies, you’ll know Jason Voorhees has killed a load of people. Here for your convenience is the whole lot of them, set out in this easy-to-consult table.
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The press is a gang of cruel faggots. Journalism is not a profession or a trade. It is a cheap catch-all for fuckoffs and misfits - a false doorway to the backside of life, a filthy piss-ridden little hole nailed off by the building inspctor, but just deep enough for a wino to curl up from the sidewalk and masturbate like a chimp in a zoo-cage.

Permalink I love this photo. Some movie directors at a dinner at the Skywalker Ranch, circa 1997.  From the left: Ron Howard, Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorsese, Brian De Palma, George Lucas, Robert Zemeckis, Francis Ford Coppola. 
Permalink Here’s Nicolas Cage in a picture from the test footage for ‘Superman Lives’, a movie that was supposed to be made in the 90s, written by Kevin Smith and directed by Tim Burton.  Judging by this, it’s probably a good thing it never happened.